Posted by The Happy Tutor
Imitations of Martial's Epigrams
To be hand delivered by Sam Hamill to Laura Bush
Dressed in her new business suit, the New Hire is tied to a barrel and raped by a bull. Good career move, Melissa! Ratings are off the chart. I hear you got a posthumous promotion too.
Liquidity event: Buck, the investment banker, is torn apart by an enraged bull on prime time. No exit strategy? Poor Buck, how you wish you could exercise your options now.
The day of his death, Jack went to Wendy's to cash in his coupons. The humiliating thing being that he was entitled to only one coupon per sandwich.
Lisping Susan says that snaps are politcally incorrect. They are too, but Susan is so stupid that the first time she used a vibrator she cracked her two front teeth.
Where did your husband, Laura, get those massive welts all over his behind? He went to the Temple to meet his Master, Jesus Christ. (Scourging the Money Changers)
A wooden table, a sponge, a knife, a bucket, and a cauterizing iron: the tools of poetry have not changed since the days of Martial.
A polutice of maggots -- today's infections resist antibiotics: The Roman Cure is still the best.
Sissies No More: A poet who goes to a President must carry a whip. (To his wife bring flowers.)
Behold a wonder! In the Colisseum the rabbit leaps in and out the Lion's jaws.
To a Rabbit - Do you think the King of Beasts would stoop to break your neck? By his lashing tail are Tyrants awed and stunned. Cities perish beneath his paws. You, Rabbit, dance between his jaws.
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