Wealth Bondage

Date Wealthy Men

Posted By Dick Minim, Senator (D MA)

Wealthy Men dating site, not that I would ever be unfaithful to Tutor.

A Practical Suggestion for Porter Novelli's Crisis & Issues Team

Posted by Dr. Amrit Chadwallah

Phil over at Gifthub has written what is apparently a satire, of sorts, on Porter Novelli: Many Minds Singular Results (tm).  But he seems, if I may be allowed to read between the lines,  to be making them an honest offer too. Now, Porter Novelli with the best minds in the world, keyed into getting Singular Results, for those whose Vision Has No Limits, does not need any help from an Adjunct Senior Fellow in Charge of Hidden Meaning in Wealth Bondage. They can hold their own in defending Wade Dokken, their own role in this on-going public relations fiasco, and the role of PR generally in cooking up a Culture of Excellence. From the perspective of the vast history of satire, though, I think we can draw some lessons that might be helpful for Porter Novelli's Crisis & Issues Team as they plan their response, in defense of the Firm, their own profession, and the Fate of Humankind.

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My Crisis Intervention Strategy, if I maybe be allowed a suggestion as professional skilled in Rhetoric, would center on the Persona, or at least the Wallet, of this seedy figure who calls himself Morals Tutor to America's Wealthiest Families. By every indication he is a penniless hack, a blogger on the take, a smarmy hypocrite, a toadying tool of Mistress Candidia Cruikshanks, his esteemed Patron, and my boss, for that matter. Rather than attacking him head on, my suggestion would be to take the hints he has liberally sprinkled throughout his post: Give him a job in HQ,  maybe running the Media and Influencer Relations Division. He is good at Masquerade and fits as well just shooting the shit in a Dumpster Conversation as in Driving Public Opinion from the Bottom Up in a Corporate Astro-Turf Context.  I know he needs the money. Don' t we all. But with so much at stake  what is one million a year? Plus benefits. Just bill it through to Dokken. Call it insurance.

Call Danny for Creative Services

Posted by The Happy Tutor

"Creatives," isn't that what they call them at the advertising agencies? Or is it "Talent"? Well, this guy, Danny, is a Creative Services Guru. I can't blame him. One time a rich bloke from London made me dress up like that and provide creative services to him and his daughter. I am just glad I can work inside Wealth Bondage now, rather than doing it out behind a Dumpster in the alley.  Of course if I don't do as I am told, I could find myself right back out on the street. I don't judge people.  Danny probably does have some talent; he probably just needs the money.

Theory Closeout Sale - Buy One Theory Get a Dumpster Load Free!

Posted by Dr. Amrit Chadwallah

Long Sunday cites a 2003 "crisis" of critical theory, which included five urgent questions. Here is one:

3. It has been suggested that the major challenge for the humanities in the coming century will be to determine the fate of literature and to secure some space for the aesthetic in the face of the overwhelming forces of mass culture and commercial entertainment. True?

The "space for the aesthetic" is a Dumpster. Welcome, Theorists! We do have a Temp job available under me, proofing Candidia's Powerpoint presentations on The Triumph of Wealth.  Pays $7.10 an hour, better than you make now teaching Theory as an Adjunct. True? Well, buck up! Poverty is a sign of intellectual integrity. There's a theory for you.   

French Code of Blogger Conduct - Oui Oui!

Posted by The Happy Tutor

David Weinberger on a French code of blogger conduct:

From my point of view, it is one possible set of guidelines. We should have lots and lots of them so that — when appropriate — bloggers can make explicit the norms already implicit on their sites.

One code that David implicitly observes is to be painfully literal.  To make explicit the norms of Wealth Bondage would be to put myself on Candidia's slated for death list.  What about Wolf Blitzer? Does he have to make explicit the implicit norms of his show? Would he? Could he? Are you kidding? Such knowledge is enough to implode the brain. We are all, David, much better off deluded, posting delusory codes of conduct. The WB code is simple: "Always say what you mean and mean what you say." Violators will find their meaning explicated, laid bare, and posted for all to see. French code of conduct? David, did you ever read Derrida? Those French people are shifty. You can't take their word for anything. It is all difference and deferral and evasion. You been had, man. A French code of conduct is no more than a ruse. 

Bloggaz with Attitude Are Forbidden To Comment Here

Posted by Captain Blowtorch

So-called "minorities" don't use the internet because they generally can't read and write. But as more come on line,  we do need speech codes to keep them in line.  We need strict blog comment policies to keep them out before they start rapping and stuff like that. "No Savages Allowed on My Blog." Does that work? Civilized? How can you civilize savages?  The most you can do is keep them in their place. You let them in and pretty soon you have Bloggaz with Attitude talking back to the White Man and stalking our Women. "Civility Enforced" - I got that on the bumper sticker of my pickup. I would advise you to do the same. Let's keep a united front.

Holding the Mirror Up To Nature And Catching A Glimpse of Your Own Face

Posted by Dr. Amrit Chadwallah

Frank Paynter notes The Happy Tutor's Tips for Satirists and cites Tom Matrullo's comment. As Adjunct in Charge of Hidden Meaning, I feel a bit remiss in not offering an interpretation of the Kathy Sierra contretemps, but I have had a chest cold.

Tips for Satirists: After The Kathy Sierra Debacle

Posted by The Happy Tutor

1. Begin with lust and rage and mean-spiritedness if need be, but write yourself through to shared laughter, one the "victim" shares, unless you mean a death struggle.
2. If you write anonymously about anyone other than a public figure, and mean to wound, can't help wounding, consider making the victim a "type," not a person. Make up a name for your speaker, but also for your target: "Sir Richard Surly," or whatever.
3. If you need therapy, get therapy.
4. Remember that satire by definition has a moral point.  Vindictiveness, flaming, making an example out of a minor figure, none of that is satire.
5. I believe that by definition real satire is directed at those who are, in ordinary life, in a position to not only retaliate, but are in a position to retaliate by inflicting real injury: the pillory, Guantanamo, an IRS audit, termination from a job. Unless the risk to yourself is heroic, don't call your cruelty satire.
6. Remember that satire is a gun that recoils upon the speaker, and the author too. Remember that it "takes one to know one." The Fool reviles the Knave, and the Knave reviles the Fool.
7. Often the strongest and best satire isolates in the "Other" the writer's own faults. We overcome ourselves by wounding our own sinful nature. But remember that the boil that most needs lancing is on your own laughing face.
8. To rejoice in the suffering of those weaker than yourself, or vulnerable people, is not satire but malice. (As Oscar Wilde would say, "That is a fault.")
9. To run with a mob and lynch even a person who deserves it is not satire, but a sin.
10. Satire wounds only to heal, inflicts pain only to instruct, and leaves the target either untouched (since only a type has been satirized), or laughing, if ruefully.
11. When the victim laughs at his own folly and the crowd laughs too, the satirist has prevailed.
12. When the victim extracts the satirist's blood, or sues and wins, the satirist has lost.
13. The satirist also loses when the victim, innocent or guilty, is broken upon the wheel, while the mob jeers. This is only excusable as a last resort when the victim is the Tyrant and the mob are those who were his minions, including the Officers of his Kangaroo Court, his Palace Guard, and his own Headsman.
14. Satire is a noble trade, but no easier than butchery to master. If you have never vivisected a dog, don't practice on a friend.
15. Never dish out what you can't take.

From Success to Significance in the Drug Trade

Posted by Sen (D. MA) Dick Minim

Well, really, I don't see why the Fitts story about drug money on Wall Street and in Goverment should  come as a big surprise, not to those of us with an historical perspective and the advantages of a good education.  My great-great-grandfather, Richard ("Big Swinging Dick") Minim ran opium into China on the clipper ships, along with his fellow Bonesmen.  The Kennedys were rum smugglers, or was that the Bronfmans? We who are stewards of high culture can't be so rigid today that we fail to include the cocaine money people in the halls of power. They have earned it. That is one very profitable business, you know.  The money has to go somewhere. No sense in it being bottled up in South America, when it can buoy the US Econony, create jobs, and all that. If drug lords are going to buy political clout, why should they not buy me? My ethics are beyond reproach. While I would take the money, for the good of the economy, I would not be influenced by it. And, I would rather be bought as an honest US Senator by some drug lord than him have to buy some corrupt tinpot South American Dictator for the same money and nothing of value for it. We need that money right here for good works.  I personally have no objection to money made in cocaine, as long as it is well-laundered through merchant bankers on Wall Street, political campaign contributions, philanthropy, and a good Ivy-League education, at least for the rising generation.  In a generation or two the grandkids of drug lords will be the Bushes, Gores, Kennedys, and Bronfmans of their time. Of course, I would not want to be quoted as favoring the drug business. Not at all. Lock 'em up and throw away the keys.  Plenty of money to be made in prison stocks too you know.  Make money coming and going. A free market system and all that. Hidden hand of God.  He works in strange ways, you know. Providence. More anon. Must scoot, another shipment is in from the coast in Mummy's luggage. 

Satire as Service to Philanthropy

Posted by The Happy Tutor

"Let us have a rule to assign just penalties to offenses, lest you flay with the terrible scourge what calls for the strap." - Horace, Satires, I. iii.

All I would add to Phil's eloquent posts in honor of H. Peter Karoff is that paideia, or soul-formation, requires more than Socratic questioning, and sometimes more than parables, or even a living moral example. There are times when only a well-deserved thrashing will do the job. Jesus did carry a whip when he went into Wealth Bondage, as I recall. Now, the money changers are our best clients and we fawn.