Wealth Bondage

A Practical Suggestion for Porter Novelli's Crisis & Issues Team

Posted by Dr. Amrit Chadwallah

Phil over at Gifthub has written what is apparently a satire, of sorts, on Porter Novelli: Many Minds Singular Results (tm).  But he seems, if I may be allowed to read between the lines,  to be making them an honest offer too. Now, Porter Novelli with the best minds in the world, keyed into getting Singular Results, for those whose Vision Has No Limits, does not need any help from an Adjunct Senior Fellow in Charge of Hidden Meaning in Wealth Bondage. They can hold their own in defending Wade Dokken, their own role in this on-going public relations fiasco, and the role of PR generally in cooking up a Culture of Excellence. From the perspective of the vast history of satire, though, I think we can draw some lessons that might be helpful for Porter Novelli's Crisis & Issues Team as they plan their response, in defense of the Firm, their own profession, and the Fate of Humankind.

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My Crisis Intervention Strategy, if I maybe be allowed a suggestion as professional skilled in Rhetoric, would center on the Persona, or at least the Wallet, of this seedy figure who calls himself Morals Tutor to America's Wealthiest Families. By every indication he is a penniless hack, a blogger on the take, a smarmy hypocrite, a toadying tool of Mistress Candidia Cruikshanks, his esteemed Patron, and my boss, for that matter. Rather than attacking him head on, my suggestion would be to take the hints he has liberally sprinkled throughout his post: Give him a job in HQ,  maybe running the Media and Influencer Relations Division. He is good at Masquerade and fits as well just shooting the shit in a Dumpster Conversation as in Driving Public Opinion from the Bottom Up in a Corporate Astro-Turf Context.  I know he needs the money. Don' t we all. But with so much at stake  what is one million a year? Plus benefits. Just bill it through to Dokken. Call it insurance.

Aligned Investing

Posted by Missy Proctor, WB '03

Sean is so cute. Gawd, what a hunk! And he has like this super brain. His whole head steams. Anyways, he invests my Trust Fund for me. I told him I want it values-aligned, ok? Nothing but Prada. He told me to ask Daddy. I told him screw Daddy. It is my Trust Fund and when Daddy is gone you are going to be working for me, Sean. And Daddy is older than dirt. So, we compromised, half Prada and half Gucci. That way I am diversified: Shoes and handbags. I think a person's trust fund investments make an important fashion statement, don't you? Next Sean is going to work on my Foundation. I am thinking we will invest in high interest loans to poor people, you know, those payday loan places? We can help the poor and make, like 35% off them. Pierre says I am gonna win the Ayn Rand Philanthropy prize 'cuz I am a social investor who looks out for #1.

Kiss My Double Bottom Line

Posted by Candidia Cruikshanks, CEO of Wealth Bondage

As a social venture entrepreneur I have built Wealth Bondage as a Limited Liability Company wholly owned by me. Wealth Bondage is operated in the public interest with a double bottom line, my personal profit (now over $200 billion a year) and the benefit of society. Wealth Bondage relieves stress, allows leaders to harmlessly blow off steam, make connections with other leaders, and to meet submissives needed to staff their empires. The connections made in Wealth Bondage stimulate capital formation, creates jobs, and promotes Freedom.  As Wealth Bondage grows to scale, absorbing the functions of government, philanthropy, literature, religion, and the arts, the resulting economies will put the price of a professional beating within reach of every American citizen, regardless of race, color, gender or creed. We are all in Wealth Bondage now, Sweetie.