Wealth Bondage

The Last Child

Religious by nature, yearning dumbly for God, the liberals, including her parents, all dead in their own vomit, the Last Child wanders the  dead forest, by the dead ocean, amidst the rotting carcasses of all God's creatures. Her's is the last consciousness to remember Wealth Bondage. Yes, she speaks to us, to her parents, her teachers, to Ronald McDonald, to her bear, and all the creatures who inhabited her lost paradise, but she is alone. Too old to be given a free pass to heaven, not Saved in the Blood, since her parents procrastinated, turning down endless offers of salvation on tv as they flipped through the channels; soon she too will be gone, to Hell where she will burn in Eternal Torment as a Liberal-Child, her fingernails torn out, her legs burned with cigarettes, dragged in chains behind pickup trucks, subject to waterboarding at the hands of devils, her body ripped open, raped repeatedly by Advertisers in long black robes to grow the GDP of Satan's Eternal Kingdom that he calls "the Free Market in Human Souls."  We are her imaginary friends. In what little time she has left, she addresses us as to God's plan for Wealth Bondage.

Quotation

Daddy, can I go to Jesus Camp? 

Speaking for Myself

After the original author function died, back in October of 2002, hacked to death, an apparent suicide in his cell, while under the protection of the Wealth Bondage Security Administration, the characters here took on lives of their own. In response to the growing unrest, I was recently appointed Deputy Editor by Candidia Cruikshanks to police the comment section, and to keep the Dumpster Dwellers in line.  It has not been easy. And, on a day to day basis The Happy Tutor has been more a hindrance than a help since he tends to side with the Dumpster Dwellers against the duly constituted authorities. So, I am here, six guns loaded, to keep Wealth Bondage safe, protect the personal property of those who have it, and to encourage grassroots giving among the Dumpster Dwellers to free up Candidia's philanthropic capital for more important social ventures like building out the Town Jail to accomodate prisoners of conscience, and promoting Freedom Worldwide. So, no back talk. Let's keep it positive. Philanthropy is the name of my game.  A little satire goes a long way when you are trying to cultivate wealthy people for The World We Want. Getting money out of these selfish bastards is hard enough without my having to listen to your snickering comments. So if you Dumpster Trash can't keep your damn mouths shut, I am taking you in, dead or alive.

Happy Wealth Bondage Consumers

Jack and Jill, according to the WB Database, mined from over 2,000 sources, including their medical records, internet browsing history, shopping patterns recorded via bar code scan, credit history, video rentals, satellite surveillance, and Homeland Securities files, supplemented with onsite visits from the American Minutemen are:

Straight
White
Broke
College educated (2 year schools)
Read at 6th grade level
Employed as (Jill) Dental Hygienist and (Jack) payroll clerk
Combined income $67,000
Net worth, $5,000 consisting of equity in Hummer

They rent an apartment in the suburbs of Chicago. They attend the Church of Prosperity, where he sings in the choir.

He suffers from premature ejaculation, male pattern baldness, periodic migraines, night sweats, bloody stool (from an undiagnosed aliment) and chronic depression alleviated by Prozac. She is in love with her boss, the dentist, and is three months pregnant with his love-child. Their daughter, Mindy, died last year, falling into a well while the family was vacationing with Jill's parents in Wisconsin. Jill has a cancerous lesion caused by years of sun-bathing. She has no health insurance, and has postponed medical action, pending her winning the state lottery.

Jack and Jill's credit score is low. Their projected retirement income is below the poverty level unless they begin saving 27% of their income now. Their credit card debt is $35,000.

Consumer confidence is up, and Jack and Jill are no exception.

Borderline Multiple Byline Disorder

Posted by The Happy Tutor

Per Astraea: "Multiplicity is a group of persons sharing one body." Multiple personality disorder is not to be confused with artistic talent. I am not Dick Minim, nor am I a phantom of his imagination. We are as one, happily wedded under the civil union statutes by Rev. Doctor Jerome Jowell, in Ripton, VT. (We got a two-fer, washed in the blood and married on the same day for one low, low price. Dick said the whole thing was disgusting. Mummy Minim did not attend, but I wanted to do it for the children.) As for the other voices here, they are as real as you or me.

Tigg Montague, Senior Wealth Bondage Fellow

Tigg Montague, manager of Candidia's Think Tank All Stars softball team, was born in 1972. He is a standout in the new wave of public intellectuals. Tigg recently qualified for a third degree black belt in Shorin Ryu karate and previously served in Wealth Bondage as a distinguished Olin Fellow. He holds the Market Democracy chair in the political science faculty at Yale University and can be found playing squash at the New York Athletic Club every second Saturday. His Claremont Institute lecture series is available on DVD free of charge to campus groups interested in promoting grass roots democracy. (Funding for same provided by Candidia Cruikshanks.) He works closely with Morton Blackwell on the popular Commons Outreach programme.

Tigg is happily married to Ashley Antoinette Montague, neé Cosway-Mason, and their charming daughter, Carol-Anne, attends Rye Country Day School. Ashley is devoted to school charity and holds bimonthly leadership seminars which, in the spirit of inclusivity, are open to members of the Oak Tree Guild, the Blue and Gold Council, the Charter Circle, the 1869 Fellows and the Founders Society.

He joins Wealth Bondage in an effort to illuminate dumpster denizens and hopes they may eventually cultivate the sense of ownership they will need for success in the new millenium. Wealth Bondage is Tigg's way of giving back, while having it all his own way.

Quotation

"No Dumpster Dweller left behind."

Wealth Bondage Staff Directory

Smoky Joe, JD
In Defense of Freedom, for Candidia's Rooster Foundation, Crowing in the New American Dawn

Pony Boy,
Leader of the Free World over 6 Furlongs

Missy Proctor
WB '03, Daughter of Admiral Harlan Proctor, WB '68

Chastity Powers
America's Cheerleader, Reporting for The Wealth Bondage Free Press

Captain Blowtorch
Road Master

Joseph McPatriot
Commander in Chief, The Armies of Compassion

Dr. Phil
America's Physician, Healing the Nation

Dr. Chadwallah
Adjunct In Charge of Hidden Meaning

Officer Cecil Morans, TSA

Chastity Powers

One Line Bio

America's Cheerleader

Biography

An Honors Graduate of the George Mason Institute for Advanced Studies, Ms. Chastity Powers joins Wealth Bondage to blog the upbeat side of the news. Chastity began her career with CNN pointing at maps. After a stint at FOX News, as an on-air talent, she rose to be Editor in Chief of Time Magazine, and other franchise media properties, before joining The Rooster Foundation, as Executive Director. (Rooster welcomes the new dawn of American Culture -- When we crow, up comes the Sun!)

Quotation

Come on everybody! There is just so much good going on in the world. Let's all keep our pecker up, and be the best we can be! Here's a special shout out to all my bud's at GMU's Institute for Advanced Studies.

Missy Proctor

Biography

Missy Proctor, WB Class of '03, is the daughter to Admiral Harlan Proctor, a WB Old Boy, Class of '71. Her mother, Juanita Proctor, was the former Miss Nude Miami Beach. Missy serves as the Affirmative Action Coordinator for Wealth Bondage, and also as the Coach of Girl's Field Hockey.

Quotation

I am a child of privilege who needs discipline daily. I have an excellent education (Rosemary Hall and Mount Holyoke), an 8 room condo on Central Park, and a horse farm in CT. Daddy is sort of a celebrity. Mommy-Bitch #6 is a model from Argentina. ("Ooooh, Baby...." is all she can say.)

I am looking for a guy with a recent prison record for something armed and dangerous. Prefer Black, but will consider Hispanic, or a lower class white guy in a uniform, or any hard-body with a hard-hat.You think you are so tough, but I'll bet you can't make me do anything at all.

Smoky Joe, Senior Wealth Bondage Good Fellow

Timely and Credible Disinformation

Smoky Joe, JD, is a Senior Wealth Bondage Good Fellow and Executive Director of Rooster Foundation: Crowing in the New American Century. He a devoted servant of wealth both on K-Street as a lobbyist for Wealth Bondage and more recently as policy intellectual promoting compassionate conservatism through lower taxes and voluntary giving. While a former associate of Jack Abramoff, Joe has done nothing illegal. In fact the rules governing think tanks and lobbying were written by Joe and passed by a complaisant Congress.

Education

Joe was educated in Great Books at the University of Chicago, before taking his Juris Doctor degree from Georgetown Law School.

Smoky Joe, the Man

On his own time, Smoky Joe gives back to our community through his investment of time, money and personal passion in SmokingHunks.com, a for-profit social venture with a double bottom line: profit and social good. Through Smoking Hunks, Joe has helped hundreds of boys and young men of working class origins achieve their full potential as Smoking Thespians.

Quotation

"Better to take a moment to teach a young person how to blow smoke up his own ass, than to spend a lifetime doing it for him."

Captain Blowtorch

Captain Blowtorch dropped out of Colleyville High, where he is remembered as President of The High Torquer Club.  He lives with his wife, her sister and their 12 children in trailer just south of Jasper, TX.  He is a certified motorcyle mechanic, and serves as Road Master with The Hogs of Heaven. He is an ordained minister holding Sabbath in the Primitive Christian Church of the Pines.

Quotation

Bow down, Brother; its payback time. You Yankees cry like little girls when I show you the chains. Liberals are a bigger threat to America than Osama bin Laden. The enemy lies witin!